Kaiser (a Smosh movie)
by Cosmotron
Summary: Tells the story of the Smosh directors, Ian and Anthony, who coerce their cast and hired ship crew to travel to the mysterious Necrosis. There they encounter Kaiser, a legendary giant lizard, whom they capture and display in San Francisco, with tragic results.


KAISER (a Smosh movie)

Act One

Taking place at Sacramento, California, a meeting is being held at a house where a gang of YouTubers are trying to come up with some good ideas about the latest YouTube video for their channel. At one end of the meeting table are the duo of YouTubers from Smosh: Ian Hecox and Anthony Padilla. The other end are two other Youtubers: Otto and Hugh and the H.E. (head executive) is at the end.

H.E.: Alright, guys. Listen up. Our Youtube channel is in crisis. We're literally losing subscribers and it's not even funny. The Call of Duty rip-off we worked on had to be deleted cause of that "airport baby massacre" scene.

Otto: I thought it was deleted because no one was watching it.

H.E.: Shut up! We need to think of more immersive videos. Cause if we don't, our channel is gonna lose a crap load of subscribers. Resulting us to go up shit creek without a shotgun!

Hugh: Actually, the correct phrase is, "without a paddle".

H.E.: No, it's shotgun. Like this one!

He takes out a shotgun and shoots the ceiling, which makes a piece to fall right on him.

H.E.: Ah, damn it! Like I was saying, I need an immersive video. So you guys better have some good ideas, or I'm gonna transfer all of you to the video games based on movies department!

Anthony: No! I don't want to be forced to make a Twilight game!

Otto: And, my children would disown me! Except for the gay one. He really does like that Taylor Lautner fella.

Anthony thinks of something of whatever movie he could make on the internet. Then, he gets an idea.

Anthony: I've got one. Picture this: This guy goes on a road trip trough town and gets himself into a gang war. He takes out his trusted AK-47 and-

H.E.: [frustrated] IF I HEAR ABOUT ONE MORE CALL OF DUTY RIP-OFF, I'M GONNA JUMP OUT THAT WINDOW!

Otto: [chuckles] We're on the first floor.

H.E.: You shut up!

Hugh: Yeah, BTW it was an AK-74U not an AK-47, douchenozzle!

Anthony: It's clearly an AK-47 with a collapsible stock. Just because you play Call of Duty doesn't make you a weapons expert.

Hugh: Yes it does!

H.E.: GUYS, I SAID SHUT UP! Does anyone have any ideas for a video that doesn't involve shooting?

Ian: Hey, I've got one. Maybe you guys will like it: The sole surviving journey to an uncharted island. A place that was thought to exist only in myth. A primitive world never before seen by man. The ruins of a civilization. The most spectacular thing you've ever seen. How's that?

Anthony: Wow, Ian. I'm starting to think you got that from something.

The head executive thinks about Ian's plot. He starts to believe it might work.

H.E.: That sounds like… a good idea. But where would you two shoot it?

Ian: I was thinking Hawai'i. We know two available guys who can be the stars on this picture. It'll be done once we get them on the ship.

Anthony: Ship? What ship?

Ian: The one I just hired to get to the location. It's in San Francisco.

Anthony: Dude, did you-

Hugh: Just a question. Will there be… hotties?

Ian is momentarily speechless.

Ian: Excuse me, hotties?

Hugh: I mean, girls. Women. Hot chicks. In my experience people only go to these Hawaiian films to observe the… hula dancers doing dances and see them undraped.

Anthony: What are you, an pervert? You think Disney made Lilo and Stitch just so people can watch hot shots? No! They made it as a family movie, they showed some class! Nothing you know what that-

H.E.: Done! It has been decided. Smosh will make a movie on the Hawaiian islands. And the rest of you… Twilight game!

Otto: [kneeing] Damn you, Taylor Lautner, and your sexy abs!

Otto and Hugh exit the room before the H.E. hears a ringing noise. He picks out his phone, noticing he has a call from someone.

H.E.: Hey, uh…. Would you two step out for a moment, please?

Ian and Anthony step into the lobby. While Anthony is standing up, Ian sits on a sofa. Anthony points suddenly to the glass of water on the table next to Ian.

Anthony: Gimme that - quick!

Ian: Okay, but it's non-alcoholic.

Anthony: Shhhh. [whisperes] I need to know what he's up to.

Ian hands him the water. Anthony empties the glass into a pot plant, then he quietly places it against the room door, and presses his ear against it.

H.E.: [on the phone] Oh, sure, Mr. Stag. They were here. Regardless of their attitudes, Smosh has made some interesting pictures…. Yeah, yeah. I happen to know they're preening self-promoters…. I get it. They're gonna bankrupt me if I let them go. I'll get rid of them. Goodbye.

The head executive hangs up his phone so can call someone in the room.

H.E.: Alfred.

Alfred, the butler, appears beside him.

H.E.: Get 'em back in.

Alfred opens the door to the lobby, but finds it… **EMPTY**.

Ian and Anthony walk out of the house with their camera, cables in a bag and a tripod in their hands. They're heading to their parked car.

Anthony: We gotta get moving, Ian. Hurry.

Ian: Dude, what was that all about?

Anthony: The head executive is going to kick us out.

Ian: But why. Smosh has been his favourite since... 2008.

Anthony: I don't know why. He was talking to someone named…. Uh…. Shag, I think. I guess the H.E. is-

H.E.: HEY!

The duo turn back and see the H.E. chasing after them like a maniac. Ian and Anthony are in a panic.

Ian & Anthony: [screams] The car!

Running for their lives, they make it to the car, still in a panic. Anthony is trying to start up the engines.

Ian: Turn on this piece of shit!

Anthony: You don't call my car a piece of shit!

H.E.: Get outta there!

Ian: ANTHONY! STEP ON IT!

The H.E. grabs Ian's shirt through the partially open front window of the car. Ian hurriedly winds the window shut… the H.E. yelps with pains, as he yanks his jammed fingers away from the car. Anthony finally starts the car and drives away.

Relieved that he's far away, they sigh as they keep driving.

Ian: That was close, man. Whoever this Shag-guy is, I'm gonna kick is ass.

Anthony: But Ian, an uncharted island? Where'd you get that from?

Ian: Oh, I had some inspiration after finding a map, dude.

Anthony: What map?

Ian: That's a secret. Now, about the cast. I think… Keith Leak and Mari Takahashi should be the stars.

Anthony: Oh, yeah. That reminds me. Mari stopped working at Smosh.

Ian: What? She quit?

Anthony: Yesterday. I tried to tell you. She's moving out of town with her boyfriend. I don't know where, but it might be far away.

Ian: Goddamn it, dude. What am I gonna do now? I need a chick on my video; for a well-needed sex appeal.

Anthony: Uh… who said it's going to be _your_ video?

Ian: I did since I called it. Duh. I'm the director and you're the douche bag who writes the script.

Insulted, Anthony looks away at the window for his friend calling him a douche bag.

Act Two

At sunset, the duo finally arrives at San Francisco. With their car low on gas, they drive to a gas station to gas up. While Ian's gassing Anthony exit's the car to go into the station to get some drinks. But then, he sees someone shocking. A beautiful girl about his age, looking pretty sad about something. Anthony starts to see how gorgeous that girl is.

The cashier is hurriedly handing out merchndises and pocketing cash. The girl walks slowly by with her eyes on the gum. She glances at the cashier, swipes a pack of gum from the tray, and quickly moves on, slipping the gum into her pocket.

Cashier: Hey!

The girl's arm is suddenly grabbed. The angry cashier pulls her hand out of her pocket, which is still clutching the stolen gum.

Cashier: You have to pay for this.

Girl: Let me go!

The girl keeps struggling free, but the cashier wouldn't let go. Then Anthony comes over a with a five dollar bill.

Anthony: Excuse me, ma'am. I think you dropped this.

The cashier takes the money and lets go of the girl's arm. The girl looks at Anthony with a smile.

Girl: Thank you very much. You must be the kind person who helped me, right?

Anthony: Yeah, that's me. But what happened to buying some gum?

Before the girl would answer, Ian comes over to see what's taking Anthony so long. Then he glares at the girl, and gets a bright, childish smile on his face.

Ian: YOU'RE PERFECT!

After a while, they go for supper at a McDonald's restaurant. The girl is eating like a pig, as if she hasn't eaten in a while.

Ian: Stealing candy, huh? That's not really a good move. Taking candy from a baby is something you can get away with. But not in a gas station.

Girl: Excuse me. I want you guys to that I don't steal, okay? It's just… I haven't been paid in a while.

Anthony: That's too bad. But what's your problem?

Girl: Just a serious problem. I flunked my college's entrance exam…. Three times. I had to move out of my apartment. Guess there are a lot of girls in town with the same problem as mine. I've got no where to go except my mom's place but I can't can't. I'm a grown-ass woman. I'm much too old for that.

Ian: No, you're not. Anyone can live with their parents.

Anthony: Ian, you're just saying that cause you live with your mother.

Ian: At least _I_ don't keep pretending to be cool, Anthony.

Then the girl pauses mid way through a mouthful of food. She looks at the duo in a surprised expression, as if she knows them.

Girl: Ian? Anthony? You're the guys from Smosh, right?

Anthony: Yeah, why? Have we met?

Girl: Oh, no. Not personally. I…. I've watched your YouTube videos. I really liked them.

Ian, sensing her interest, starts to get excited.

Ian: I guess it's cool to meet a fan, miss….

Girl: Conroy. Beth Conroy. So what brings you two here?

Anthony: Well, my friend and I are trying to get to a ship ride to Hawai'i for our latest video. We're trying to find an actress who can helpful to us.

Beth: Well…. I've got no job. So, uh…. If it's not too much trouble, could I please be an actress for you?

Ian: Since we're looking of one, I guess we can accept you.

Beth: [in glee] Thanks, you guys. I promise I'll be a good actress. So what's it about?

Ian: I'm glad you asked that. A handsome explorer bounds for the Hawaiian islands. On board ship, he meets a mysterious girl. She's beautiful, fragile, haunted. And she can't escape the feeling that forces beyond her control… are compelling her down a road from which she cannot draw back. It's as if her whole life has been a prelude to this moment… this fateful meeting that changes everything. And sure enough, against her better judgment…. How's that?

Beth: That sounds wonderful, Mr. Hecox.

Anthony: Ian? Where'd you get that from?

Ian: I made it up.

Anthony: Riiiiiight.

Beth: Hey, I got a question. If you need me to be on this video, what's in it for me? Do I get paid or something?

Anthony: Sure you'll get paid. We pay people who do a good job on our videos; I don't know an asshole who doesn't.

Ian: But only one difference. We're not doing this for Smosh. We were appointed by another YouTube channel.

Beth: Well, that's disappointing. I always wanted to be in a Smosh video.

Anthony: Well, how about this? If you do a successful job on acting for our video, we'll put you on our latest Smosh video.

Excited, Beth puts on a pleading, awe-stricken face.

Beth: It's a deal.

Anthony: [to Ian] So when's that ship gonna leave?

Ian looks at his watch to see the time.

Ian: It's right now… 5 pm. The ship leaves in half an hour.

Act Three

After driving to the San Francisco harbour, the duo and Beth see a large steamboat at their left. They park the car at the parking lot and reach the deck with Anthony and Beth glaring at the ship.

Beth: Is this the Youtube ship?

Anthony: Hey, Ian. Is this it?

Ian: Not exactly. It's actually this one over here.

The two of them turn tail to see what Ian is striding towards. A rusty battered tramp steamer on the other side of the wharf. It has a label on the side that says "Food-Battle".

Ian: Don't let appearances deceive you. It's much more spacious on board.

Rough-looking sailors are working hard to get the boat under way. Hurried activity everywhere, crates being loaded; smoke begins pouring from the stacks. They come to the Food-Battle's spot of the deck and Ian sees the ship's captain at the harbour with a clipboard. Onboard the ship, another man looks at Ian coming towards the captian.

Ian: [to the captain] Skipper. Cast off! Hoist up the mainsail, raise the anchor… whatever the hell it is you do. We gotta leave!

Skipper: Can't do that. I've got a manifest to handle.

Ian: Mani-who? Speak English, man.

Skipper: Paperwork, Mr. Hecox.

Ian: Hey, look. I can-

Skipper: If only I could, you haven't given me the money you owe me.

Ian begins to glance at Beth, flustered and embarrassed.

Anthony: Ian, I don't know where you met this guy, but you need to tell me these things.

Then Skipper sees Beth beside Anthony. He puts away his clipboard and walk towards them. The same man on the ship then turns to Anthony and Beth being together.

Skipper: So I presume you are Hecox's friend? She's your girlfriend?

Anthony: What? Oh, no. Miss Conroy's not my girlfriend. And yeah, I'm Ian's friend.

Skipper: So you two are ready for this voyage? Nervous?

Beth: Nervous? No. Why? Should we be?

Skipper: Just asking.

Anthony: Anyway, are we leaving now? Cause someone back home is eager for a YouTube video.

Ian: I agree. We need to go.

And so, the duo and Beth come aboard the ship before the sailors untie its ropes. The engines turn on and all systems are go.

In the hallway, the YouTube actor, Keith Leak Jr., searches for his cabin with a sailor carrying his luggage.

Sailor: You're cabin is the last on the left, Mr. Keith. And may I just say we're honoured to have you onboard, sir.

Keith: Appreciated, sailor.

In the helm, Skipper and his first mate, Kowalski, are getting the Food-Battle ship synchronized for the trip. At the crow's nest, the lookout sees everything clear.

Lookout: We're all clear, captain!

Skipper: Good. Full speed ahead, Kowalski.

Kowalski: Aye, Skipper. Full speed ahead.

At the main deck, Ian and Anthony are standing at the railing as they watch the harbour being so far away.

Anthony: Ian, I need to ask you something. We live all the way at Sacramento, but how were you able to get a hold of these guys?

Ian: Skipper's one of the guys who posted our channel. I asked him about our plan and now we're here.

Anthony: Okay. That's fine with me, dude. But maybe you should _tell me_ about these things. Next time, when you're someone, tell me.

Ian: Okay, man. I promise.

The Food-Battle is now on its way to Hawai'i. It sails below the Golden Gate Bridge and enters the Pacific Ocean.

In the hall, Skipper leads Beth to her cabin. He opens the door and lets her in.

Skipper: Here's your cabin, miss Conroy.

Beth: Thank you, Skipper.

Skipper: Now just remember. If there's anything you need, my crew will attend you. Make yourself comfortable.

Skipper closes the door with Beth still in there and leaves to check up on something.

In the ship's hold, the sailor, Private, escorts Ian and Anthony to their cabin since the ones for the guests are full.

Private: This room is very comfortable. There's plenty of dim lights.

Anthony: Jesus, man. What do you keep down here?

Private: Lions, tigers, hippos, you name it.

Anthony: You sell them to zoos?

Private: Oh, sure. Skipper gets any animals in the wild. Hey, have I ever told you about-

Skipper: Private.

Skipper arrives to the group as the duo are looking a place to stay.

Skipper: [to the duo] My apologizes for not being able to offer you boys a cabin.

Ian: It's okay, man. We can just-

Then, Ian trips over something on the floor. He steps back with surprise as a wooden crate topples, spilling out a large medical bottle. Private looks up in shock as the bottle rolls towards Skipper who coolly traps it with his foot. The bottle is labelled "Gas Bag".

Skipper: I told you to bubble wrap them.

Private: Sorry, Skipper. Rico said-

Skipper: Rico doesn't give the orders. What are you trying to do, put the whole ship to sleep? Get the bubble wrap now.

Skipper hands the bottle to a nervous Private. Anthony stares at the crates stacked in a cage. Piles of bottles, all marked "Gas Bags".

Anthony: Uh…. Skipper, what are these things?

Skipper: Nothing too dangerous. We made these Gas Bags for tranquilizing. Just one of these guys would put an elephant to sleep. So, there's nothing to worry about.

Ian: Can they… really do that?

Skipper: I'm not sure yet. They're only prototypes.

After that, Skipper leaves the duo to their business. They're able to find an empty, clean cage. They open it, set their stuff in and relaxed.

Act Four

In the next morning, the Food-Battle still sails across the open ocean. The Smosh crew, John the sound recorder and Bade the cameraman, are at the cafeteria, working on their equipment. The cook, Rico, is at the stove wipping up breakfast.

John: Gonna have the ship's engines all over the dialogue. Seagulls, camera noise, wind… God knows what else.

Ian: I don't care, John. Make it work.

Then Beth comes over in a dress. The crew notices her coming in and Anthony just glares at her, thinking she looks hot in it.

Beth: Am I late?

Ian: Beth, hey. Come in. Let me introduce you to the crew. This is Bade, the cameraman.

Beth reaches out to shake Bade's hand.

Bade: Delighted to meet you, ma'am.

Beth: Likewise.

Ian: And the sound recorder is John.

John: How's it hanging, babe? And you look nice in that dress.

Beth: Oh, this old thing? I just threw it on.

Bade: Isn't that one of those costumes we made?

Beth: Now, what does a girl have to do around here to get some breakfast, huh?

Anthony: Rico, you heard the lady.

Rico is simultaneously shaving a sailor and stirring porridge.

Rico: Fancy my porridge à la walnuts?

Then Keith comes with a few agents polishing his fingernails pink. He sees the duo and reaches them.

Anthony: Hey, Keith. Glad you can make it.

Keith: I came as soon as I could. So, where're we shoot?

Ian: Hawai'i.

Keith: Cool. And who's the girl?

Beth: Oh, I'm Beth. I'm new here. The boys were kind enough to let me be the co-star.

Keith: Okay. But-

Then, Keith notices the agents are polishing his nails very wrongly.

Keith: Hey, that's the wrong shade of pink! I said violet! What are you, stupid?!

Then the man who spied on the duo last night enters the room. Ian and Anthony have no idea who he is.

Man: So you guys two are Ian and Anthony, yes? The same duo partnered on Smosh? I've heard of you both.

Anthony: Yeah, that's who we are. And you are?

Man: Albert Stag. A co-worker for Skipper on his hunt for animals. And I hear we're sailing to Hawai'i. Perfect place to go in the winter.

Anthony: So, you're just here to say that… you like the idea?

Albert: Not really. I'm just here to see why we're leaving San Francisco. But now I know. That's all.

After his word, Albert Stag exits the cafeteria.

Beth: So, I've been practicing for Smosh. I was thinking, maybe, I could do a balancing act and then I fall into dung. How funny does that sound to you guys?

Ian: That is funny, but maybe since we haven't arrived yet, Anthony would write the script.

Anthony: Here's the script.

Anthony gives Ian a five-paged script, mush to his dislike.

Ian: The script? Dude, this is five pages.

Anthony: I know, but they're good. You've got five good pages there, Ian.

Ian: We're supposed to be making a short film, not a short-short film. Like our videos at Smosh.

Anthony: Sorry, but usually we send someone else to write the script for us.

Ian: No, Anthony, you can't do this to me. I have a beginning… but I need a middle and an end. I gotta have something to shoot.

Beth: Hey, guys. Maybe instead of arguing, you can just work this over a bit.

Ian and Anthony look at each other and they smile, believing it's a good idea what she said.

Act Five

After a while, in their cabin, Anthony is writing the script for the film with Ian pacing the hold and talking about its plot.

Ian: She's standing at the railing. She doesn't know it yet…. But they are sailing towards disaster. You got that?

Anthony: Yeah, I got it. Okay, so she turns… the first mate is staggering towards her. There's a knife sticking out of his back.

Ian: Wait a sec. We're killing off the first mate?

Anthony: Just kidding.

Ian: Okay then, she's horrified. She has to look away. And that's when she sees the mysterious island.

Anthony: Yeah. Hawa-

But Anthony stops writing. He looks at Ian's face, noticing something. As if he's not talking about Hawai'i.

Anthony: You mean…. we're filming on different island? What's it called?

Ian: Dude, shhhh. Keep it down. I don't what anyone to get spooked.

Anthony: Why?

Ian: Well, it's called….

Ian whispers into Anthony's ear, which makes him a little spooked. Unseen by either Ian or Anthony, Stag has sneeks down in to the hold. He's eavesdropping at the scene.

Anthony: What's wrong with that place?

Ian: There's nothing officially wrong with it. Because, technically, it hasn't been discovered yet.

Anthony thinks it's something Ian made up from the start.

Anthony: But... is it made up?

Ian: No, dude. It's not made up.

Anthony: Okay. All right. So we arrive at this place. N… E… C… R… O… S… I… S….

Albert gets the idea about hearing the name: Necrosis. As he leaves, Ian discovers him.

Act Six

After a while, Ian begins the film with his filming crew. They're shooting a scene with Beth as the woman in a dress and Keith as the first mate. The ship's crew and Anthony are watching it scene.

Ian: All right, guys, from the top! And action!

Beth: I think this is awfully exciting! I've never been on a ship before.

Keith: Well, I've never been on one with a woman before.

Beth: I guess you don't think much of women on ships, do you?

Keith: No, they're a nuisance.

Beth: Well, I'll try not to be.

Keith: Just being around is trouble.

However, as Ian stands by the cameraman, he notices Albert in the background. He whispers into Kowalski's ear, believing it's nothing good.

Ian: Cut! Cut the crap!

From that call, the film stops and the actors stop acting.

Ian: Good, guys. Take a break. Ten minutes.

Keith having pride walks to Anthony, standing at the railing.

Keith: Whaddya think of that, Anthony. Impressive, huh?

Anthony: Do you have to rub it in?

Keith: It's only a bit of humour, man. What are ya, brain dead?

Keith walks away from Anthony, but Beth comes over. She trips and falls, but Anthony is close enough to grab her before she hits the ground.

Beth: Thanks. Theses shoes are hard to walk with. So, I'd I do?

Anthony: That was great. You were pretty confident and focused. I never thought how cool your acting is.

Beth: There're a lot of thinks I didn't tell you or Ian. I used to be an actress for my friend's YouTube channel.

Albert comes over to Beth, pushing Anthony out of the way.

Beth: Mr. Stag. I hope… nobody disliked my act.

Albert: Not at all, my dear. The entire crew enjoyed your performance. You know, miss Conroy. There's not a girl in this world who wouldn't love to be in your shoes. Perhaps we could… maybe, do something together on the ship. I could give you a tour.

Beth: That's very kind of you, but… Anthony was the first to ask me.

Anthony: I am? Oh, yes. Yeah, I asked her before the shoot.

Albert doesn't show any sign of jealousy. He just watches Anthony regaining his strength.

Albert: Well…. You know what they say: The early bird gets the worm.

Sailor: Stag! Skipper wants to see you!

With Albert gone, Anthony and Beth are now finally alone at the railing with no one around.

Anthony: Nice cover.

Beth: I didn't really want to be with him. Have you seen Beauty and the Beast?

Anthony: Yeah. My sister loves it.

Beth: That Albert Stag reminds me of Gaston. I bet he could be a big jerk like him.

Act Seven

At sunset, with the Food-Battle still sailing through the open ocean, Ian is at the helm with Skipper. Ian is guiding Skipper on the map of the Pacific Ocean.

Ian: We should be getting close. Turn southwest.

Skipper: There's no land southwest for thousands of miles. It takes us way outside the shipping lanes. I won't sail blind in these waters.

Ian: I'll make it worth your while.

Skipper: There's nothing out there.

Ian: Well, then you've nothing to lose.

Ian leaves the helm with Skipper believing this whole voyage is a setup.

At night, Ian and Anthony are in the cafeteria working on their script. Then one by one, Kowalski, Rico and Stag enter the room, surrounding the duo.

Kowalski: If someone were to tell you this ship was headed for Hawai'i, what would you say?

Rico: I would say they're full of it, Kowalski. Well, we turned southwest this afternoon.

Ian: Guys, chill. We're not looking for trouble.

Albert: Oh, no. Maybe we're not, if you don't spill the beans. You boys are looking for something else, am I right?

[5 second silence]

Ian: Yeah, we are. We're looking for this island called Necrosis. Find it, film it, and upload it on YouTube. If that won't pay, we can just show it to the world.

Rico: I wouldn't recommend that a good idea.

Anthony: Whaddya mean?

[5 second silence]

Rico: Seven years ago, me and Kowalski were working our passage off the cost of San Diego.

Kowalski: We picked up a castaway. We found him in the water. He'd been drifting for days.

Anthony: So?

Rico: He said his ship ran aground on an island way west of Costa Rica. An island men would only say with fright. Necrosis. He then spoke of a huge mountian. About a thousand foot high. A mountain that lies in a dark jungle. No one has ever gone through and lived.

Albert: What's so bad about a jungle?

[5 second silence]

Rico: The castaway… he spoke of a creature. Niether beast nor man, but something monstrous living in those trees.

Albert: [unimpressed] A lion or a tiger. A man-eater. That's how all these stories start.

Anthony: What else did he say?

Rico: Nothing. We just found him the next morning, died of a heart attack.

Ian: Sorry, guys. You'll have to do better than that.

Anthony: Yeah. Monsters belong in B movies.

Kowalski: We're only warning you both. If you find this place… if you go ashore with your friends and your cameras… you won't come back. Just as long as you understand that.

That warning gives Anthony a frightening emotion. Not being able to leave the place alive.

Act Eight

Day after day, night after night, the Food-Battle sails across the big blue sea. After three days of sailing and finding no land, Skipper gets a call on his phone from someone. He takes the steering wheel and the ship changes course.

Ian and Anthony arrive at the helm after witnessing the ship turns around.

Anthony: Skipper, what's going on? Why are we-

Skipper: Outside.

Skipper escorts the duo outside the helm so he can say somethings to them.

Skipper: We've been sailing for days and found nothing. Do you know that? I got a call from my colleaque and he wants me at Vancouver.

Anthony: You're the captain. Just tell them you had engine trouble and give us another weak.

Skipper: And be late at every port from California to BC? I don't think so.

Ian: Give us two more days then. We haven't got a film yet. Please. We've risked-

Skipper: No, you haven't. You risked everything I have. And you did it all following the map you made.

Skipper leaves the boys to return to the helm, but Anthony gets surprised all of a sudden. He scowls at Ian.

Anthony: Ian, what's he talking about? A map you made?

Ian: I don't know what you're-

Then Anthony reaches into Ian's pocket and pulls out the map. He opens it, only to find out it's a fake. The map looks like it was made by a five-year-old. What they don't know is that Stag's eavesdropping them again.

Anthony: This map's fake! We've been sailing for nothing! You made all of this up from the start! You dingbat!

Ian: It's not made up! This is geography!

Anthony: No, it's not. You've been doing the same shit since grade school. You probably got bullshit ideas from Peter jackson's King Kong. And maybe you bribed the crew to make up stories like back in the cafeteria.

Ian: I didn't bribe them. I asked them to say that story just to make it sound interesting.

Anthony: God, Ian. I don't know why we're BFFs. You still believe in Santa Claus, you still live with your mom, and now you're taking us on a voyage to the middle of nowhere? We're not friends anymore… until you grow up.

Anthony leaves Ian at the to somewhere else on the ship. Ian, on the other hand, starts crying like a big baby.

Anthony stands at the railing looking at the water. Beth comes over to him thinking something's bad happened to him.

Beth: What's wrong, Anthony?

Anthony: Oh, this whole voyage has been for nothing. We were following Ian's childish imaginitive island, we changed course and I told him to grow up. I bet he's crying right now.

Beth: Well… maybe he won't feel so sad, if you apologize to him.

Anthony: Apologize? We've been sailing for nothing because of him.

Beth: Anthony, you can't stay mad at someone forever. Ian may act childish but he's still your best friend.

Anthony looks at Beth thinking of what she said. But then, the Food-Battle hits something hard.

Everyone on deck arrives at the main deck to see the ship hit a large rock at a beach. The sun rises and the light reveals something shocking… a tropical island of some sort. There's even a jagged mountian with a cave on it. Ian comes over to Anthony to see the island with him.

Anthony: Ian… did you-

Ian: No way, dude. Not this time.

Anthony: Okay. I think we've found one island. Not much of what I think it would be.

Ian: Hey. I think THIS can be Necrosis.

Anthony: [annoyed] Whatever.

Act Nine

The next morning, with the Smosh crew filming on shore, Skipper and his crew are repairing the ship of all its damage.

Skipper: Kowalski, damage report.

Kowalski: The ship sustained no serious damage from the crash. A quick repair will do the trick.

Skipper: And the bad news?

Kowalski: It'll take me about 24 hours to fix.

Skipper: Right. Rico, you're on litter patrol. We need food and find some firewood. Plus, we don't want any man marooned.

Rico: Aye, Skipper.

Private: And me, Skipper?

Skipper: I want you to be on the lookout, Private. Tomorrow we're gonna leave this place.

On shore, Anthony and Ian are both directing the crew as Bade's filming Beth by the trees.

Ian: Okay. You're… feeling uneasy, Beth. The feeling's growing. It's watching over you.

Anthony: Hey, Ian. That sounds like you got that from that King Kong movie trailer.

Ian: Anthony, shut up! I'm not talking to you.

As Ian continues doing his directing, Anthony looks away with anger.

Ian: Now…. Scream, Beth. Scream for your life!

Beth makes a frightened scream. Suddenly, a fierce roar is made from deep in the jungle. That surprised everyone on the beach.

Skipper: Holy shit. What in God's name was that?

Ian looks at the trees, thinking there's something out there that should be posted on the Internet.

Ian: Guys, let's check it out.

Anthony: Ian, no! Whatever the hell you're thinking is a bad idea.

But Ian just ignores him. So he decides to follow the crew into the jungle until Rico aims a gun at him. That makes Ian put up his hands and close his eyes shut.

Rico: The cap'n says no jungle hiking.

Ian: What the hell man, I just want to see what that was. It could be worth something.

Rico: And Skipper wants no man marooned here. Stay close to the ship.

Ian: [moans] Fine!

The cast decides to quit for a bit. As Anthony's alone with Beth, Ian sits on a rock, still upset about Anthony breaking his friendship with him. However, Stag comes over to Ian and sit beside him with a smirk on his face.

Albert: Well, Mr. Hecox. You were all confident last week, but now you're depressed? Why is that?

Ian: Oh, it's this argument me and Anthony had. We stopped being BFFs until I would… grow up.

Albert: I see. Now, I don't mean to bring it in, but sometimes friendship cannot last forever. But, if there's room for another, I could volunteer to be your friend… if you wish.

Ian stops being upset and looks at Stag with a bright smile on his face.

Act Ten

At night time, the moon is full and everyone is asleep. Anthony and Ian are sleeping on hammocks while the others are in sleeping bags. Beth's pajamas are an orange tank top, and black boy shorts. She gets up and walks quietly to the nearby tree at the edge of the jungle.

The ground starts to rumble. As if giant footsteps are coming to the beach. Emerging from the jungle is a giant bipedal lizard looking curious about the humans. He walks over them to check out the Food-Battle ship. Beth comes out and gasps when she discovers the beast in her sight.

With the lizard distracted by the ship, Beth tries to slowly walk backwards to make sure she doesn't get spotted. But then she trips over and falls on the sand. The gigantic creature hears the sound and sees Beth far away from him. He comes over as Beth ducks her head with fear. His head slopes down, apparently looking Beth. She opens her eye to find him only staring at her.

Anthony wakes up and shocked to see Beth being with that lizard. Ian wakes up, sees the beast and he _screams_ loudly like a girl. Everyone wakes up and panics to believe they're under attack. A sailor fires a machine gun at the lizard, making him roar in agression. Beth is running to safety while the lizard's fighting the other humans. Beth runs as far as she can, until someone misfires a lauched rocket and aims ten feet away from her, making her scream. That scream surprises the lizard. He turns back to abduct Beth and run off into the jungle.

Anthony: Beth!

Anthony tries to rescue her but Kowalski and Private grab him and pull him back away from the trees.

Kowalski: Don't be an idiot, son. No one can go into that place without any weapons.

After a while, everyone sets up a rescue party to get Beth back. They have guns (such as AK-47 assault rifles, pistols and stuff).

Skipper: You can take Stag and 15 others. I'll put a guard on the beach until you return. The rest of you stay with the ship.

As some of the ship's crew are armed to the teeth, the Smosh crew are getting their equipment to film the island.

Ian: [to Bade] Bring the tripod and all of the film stock.

Bade: You wanna go with the 6-inch lens?

Ian: The wide-angle will do just fine. [to Anthony] Dude, where are you going?

Anthony: I'm going to get Beth back.

Anthony pulls out a backpack out of the bushes and puts it on.

Ian: Why are you bringing all of that stuff?

Anthony: In case we get lost.

Ian: Oh, well in that case, I'm bringing this.

Ian pulls out a pistol out of the bush.

Anthony: Where'd you get that?

Ian: Found it under my mom's bed. Pretty cool, huh?

Skipper: Alright, listen up. You've got guns, you've got food, you've got ammo; you've got 24 hours!

Keith: Twenty-four hours? For what?

Skipper: This time tomorrow, we haul anchor.

And so, the rescue party begins. They march forward into the dark jungle to find Beth. So far, the place is creeping everyone out. Most of the party are terrified of whatever's out there. They hear a growl from behind the trees.

Anthony: Wh- what the hell was that?

Then they hear another sound from behind a pile of logs.

Anthony: Whose there?

Anthony pulls out a small spade while Ian aims his gun.

Ian: I'm going to shoot it.

Another sound is made and Ian shoots several times and again at everywhere.

Kowalski: Hecox! Hold your fire!

Ian stops shooting, but something's wrong. There's another rumbling noise heading their way. Suddenly, an angry triceratops appears from the trees and charges at the rescue party. To save his own skin, Ian pushes John away to the dinosaur.

Ian: RUUUUNNNN!

As the rescue party runs away, the triceratops chases after John and eats him up. The party is able to escape the from the dinosaur and Anthony finds a fresh broccoli on the grass.

Anthony: Broccoli!

Anthony picks it out and takes several bites of it.

Anthony: [to the party] Want some?

Private: That was a dinosaur, right? Aren't they suppose to be extinct?

Rico: Well, I guess not around here.

Ian: I think… I need to take a break.

Kowalski: That's fine. We do the rest ourselves.

Ian: No, I gotta change the film rule.

Anthony: The hell's wrong with you, man? You just tossed John to that triceratops.

Ian: Sorry. I sometimes do shit like that without realizing it.

Anthony: That's a stupid excuse.

Albert: Now, now, Mr. Padilla. If Mr. Hecox said it was an accident, it was an accident. Simple as that.

Kowalski: Now let's get moving. Miss Conroy can't be too far away.

The rescue party continues its journey across the jungle and find Beth.

Act Eleven

In the next morning, the party's nerves are frayed as they continue slogging through the difficult terrain. Huge bugs fly around them, and everyone tries in vain to swat them away.

Keith: I can't believe this. I left home for this? This jungle's… messing with me all over.

Rico tries shooting wildly at a huge bug.

Kowalski: Conserve your ammunition!

Rico glares at Kowalski… and shoots one last time at a huge bug on a nearby tree. Then... they all fall down into a sandpit. The whole party end up down hill of a lowland. Sadly, one men has his head getting bashed into rocks, killing him. The rest of the men regain their bearings one by one.

Ian: Dammit. That hurt.

Bade: At least the camera's okay.

Anthony: Fortunately, I've been in this exact situation three times before.

Ian: When? When have you ever been in this situation before?

Anthony: I've never been in this situation before! I'm just trying to keep up morale.

However, the men look around, seeing they're in a cavern. But Anthony sees something. He runs off, leaving the others behind.

Private: Padilla, where're you going?

Anthony: I think I see something!

Rico: Get back!

Rico throws a rock at Anthony but misses.

Ian: What are you doing, man?

Rico: I've seen this before. He's got the jungle madness. We gotta put him down while he still has some dignity left.

The party follows Anthony through the cavern. He comes out, finding the ruins of an ancient city.

Anthony: Awesome. Now this is-

Suddenly, Rico throws a rock right in front of Anthony's eyes, which make him freak out.

Anthony: What the hell!

The party comes out to see the place as well. Rico, who had soem rocks in his arms, drops them after noticing that Anthony hasn't gone insane.

Rico: Well, I'll be damned. I guess you weren't crazy. Okay. I'm man enough to say that's my bad.

Keith: Wow. That's incredible. The architecture. It's almost like the Olmec culture of Mesoamerica.

Private: Maybe this is… the lost city of Atlantis.

The men begin looking around while Bade's recording it all on the camera. Private then sees a crystaline pyramid the size of a Dadge caravan.

Private: Check this out.

Ian: Maybe this is where the natives hosted the Latin Grammys. Just picture Santana hauling this sucker home.

Rico: I wander if it's worth a lot of cold cash.

Anthony steps forward to the pyramid and touches it with both hands. It makes his voice change into something else.

Anthony: [in auto-tune] Whoa. It vibrates. And I can speak in auto-tune.

Kowalski: I wouldn't touch that, all right?

Anthony: [singing] Do you believe in life after love?

Kowalski: That is so dumb and childish.

Kowalski comes over to touch the pyramid as well.

Anthony: [singing] Do you believe in life after love?

Albert: Mr. Padilla, will you please be quiet? Kowalski probably needs silence.

Kowalski: [singing in auto-tune] I can feel something inside me say…

Anthony & Kowalski: [both singing] …I really don't think you're strong enough, oh!

Once that's done, they both remove their hands off the artefact and their voices return to normal.

Kowalski: Damn. I can really feel my forearms.

Anthony: I gotta get one of these things.

[roaring distanly]

Kowalski: Okay, boys. Sounds like we're about to find the Godzilla who took miss Conroy.

Albert: I don't think so, Kowalski. That sounds like something else.

Suddenly, emerging from the trees is a tyrannosaurus. The men panic and shoot the dinosaur, but it couldn't kill it.

[T-Rex roaring]

One man tries to shoot it, but the dinosaur resists it. It attacks the man who shot it and chops him into pieces.

Kowalski: Everybody get to safety!

Bade tries to escape with the others, but the T-Rex chops him apart and eats him. They retreat to the ruins whilst Rico and Stag start to open the door.

Private: This is bad! I don't wanna be food to a dinosaur.

Keith: I'm outta here!

Keith makes his escape to somewhere else, but without looking where he's going, he falls down hill.

Ian: Well…. I never liked him anyway.

Anthony looks up to see pterosaurs flying over head and he got an idea.

Anthony: You guys keep opening the gate. I'll draw him away from you.

The T-Rex smashes through the ruins quickly, but Anthony kills the pterosaurs up high with a machine gun to distract him from the group. Then he runs through the open door and Bade starts filming the T-Rex behind the wall. However the T-Rex tears a hole in the wall and chases them into a dead end cave.

Rico: Come on! This guy doesn't give up!

The T-Rex then smashes his way into the ruins. He moves closer to the humans in an attempt to find them

Anthony: Nobody… move… a muscle.

But when Beth cries out for help in the distance, the T-Rex turns around, roars and leaves. After he leaves, the party run up to a post next to the hole in the wall made by the dinosaur.

Anthony: That was close.

Ian: And I got it on film.

Kowalski: Private, do a head count. I wanna know how many are injured and how bad.

Private: Yes, sir.

Rico: Injured? Four of us are dead.

However, they see the T-Rex appearing from the cliff opposite of them and roars, but he retreats into the undergrowth.

Albert: No doubt, that was miss Conroy's cry. At least that means she's still alive.

Ian: I hope so.

Anthony: Now, we have no crew. We lost John, Keith, and now Bade.

Ian: Yeah. But I'll tell you something else. Bade didn't die for nothing. He died for what he believed in, and I'm gonna honor that. He died believing there was still some mystery left in this world.

Kowalski: Let's go, men. Miss Conroy is in need of our help.

Obeying his order, the party follow Kowalski out of the ruins and into the jungle to continue their search. All of a sudden, they find something coming out from the bushes. They prepare their weapons, but a large rabbit pops out. Anthony gets adored by the large, curious rabbit.

Rico: That's a big-ass rabbit.

Anthony: Awe, he's cute.

Anthony reaches his hand forward for the rabbit to sniff it, just then… BAM! The rabbit's head is shot by Ian wielding a shotgun.

Anthony: Dude! Why did you shoot him?

Ian: That's what guns are for; right?

Anthony: Well can we at least find out what we're dealing with _before_ you shoot them?

Ian: Ugh! Fine!

Act Twelve

Back with Beth, she is still being held by the giant lizard travel to someplace on the island. However, he stops and places Beth on a flower bed. Beth tries to get away, but the lizard slams his tail in front of her, causing her to shriek. She circles back at the beast, looking at her with curiousity. Beth is getting a little scared as the great lizard stares into her.

Beth: Uh…. What are you looking at?

The lizard stares at Beth for a beat, leaning forward on his paw... then prods her with his finger. He gets his nose into Beth's chest, but she slaps him on the nose to keep him away. She covers her chest with her arms, embarrassed.

Beth: Back off!

The lizard gets a little ticked for Beth slapping him like that. He growls at Beth with his head close to her. She becomes little more terrified.

Beth: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's just… it's inappropriate doing that.

To get him to calm down, she gently pets him on the snout where she slapped him. It works. The lizard calms down, but he wants a bit of humour. He prods Beth roughly, knocking her off her feet. She falls to the ground… winded. He slaps his tail on the ground, and lets out another excited growl. He thumps the ground with his feet, and shakes his head, delighted with the "game". Beth tries to get up - the beast pushes her over again. This time she stays on the ground, breathing heavily. He tries to prod her into getting up and is startled when she HITS his finger away!

Beth: Hey. That's not funny. Pushing away people like that is-

Again, the lizard gets upset, but this time for losing his fun. He growls, roars and slashes every nearby tree while he loses his temper. He rips a tree from the ground as his anger spirals into violent madness. But then, one fallen tree delivers a mean scratch on his right shoulder. He makes a roar, feeling such pain. He lies down, looking away from the human.

Beth looks at her captor, noticing she's not interested in her anymore. She starts hurrying through the jungle… pushing through thorns, tangled in vines. But then, she stops. Beth realizes that she's walking away with the beast laying down with pain. She realizes the scratch on his shoulder and takes pity. She runs back, only to find him gone. She's now alone in the jungle.

Act Thirteen

Back with the rescue party, they're still on the search for Beth. They find themselves at a river. They have one option. Using their ropes, the party is making rafts with sticks and logs to get across. However, Anthony's stomach grumbles as he tugs on it.

Anthony: [grunts] I'll be right back.

Anthony walks away to hide behind the tree. With Ian alone, Stag comes over to his side with a smirk on his face.

Albert: Tell me, Ian. Is your relationship with Anthony still… critical?

Ian: Well, now that you mentioned it-

Anthony: Ian, where'd you put the toilet paper?

Ian: It's in your backpack.

Anthony: I looked in here. All I can find is sandpaper.

Ian: [sighs] Just use the sandpaper.

Anthony: Fine.

Then Anthony screams in pain on using sandpaper in substitution of toilet paper.

Anthony: OW! OW! OOUCH! Okay, I'm done.

Kowalski: We're finished. Everyone on the rafts.

The rafts are ready to float. They all got onboard them and paddle their way across the river. They paddle and find nothing around them for a few seconds. Just then, the ground begins to shake.

Anthony: Guys. You feel that.

Rico: Please tell me it's not that-

All of a sudden, the T-Rex from before shows up from behind the trees.

[T-Rex roaring]

Anthony: AAAHHH! NOT AGAIN!

The rafts then end up on some rapids. A second one appears and comes dangerously close to Anthony's raft. He fires his pistol to draw it out. The T-Rex pair gets distracted for a short time once Anthony kills the pterosaur flying around.

Albert: Everyone! Gets your weapons out!

Then, Anthnony's raft gets hit by a rock, breaking the raft and sending the men into the water. Anthony is able to swim, but Private's struggling.

Rico: Private!

Private: Help!

Rico: Swim, ya filthy buggar!

Rico jumps off the raft and swims to rescue Private, but the tyrannosaur pair are approaching. Albert wraps a stick with some Scott Towels and lights it up with a lighter. He throws the lighted stick to the nearby grass, lighting them on fire and sending one of the dinosaurs away.

[T-Rex roaring]

Anthony swims fast to reach the Ian's on, but the others still in the water get attacked by huge piranhas. Even Rico and Private get eaten by them. With Anthony on the raft, the T-Rex walks in the river and chases after the humans. They try to shoot the beast but no sudden injuries on it.

Kowalski: Nothing's working! Nothing's gonna kill these things!

Meanwhile the other T-Rex circles around and blocks your way at the end of the tunnel.

Albert: One of them's going around!

Ian: Oh, god! We're heading straight for him!

When it looks like all is lost for the humans, the giant lizard falls down from the cliff to confronts the T-Rex. Ian gets the opportunity to shoot a scene of the brawl with his camera.

Kowalski: There he is! Shoot him down!

Kowalski shoots his machine gun and the lizard gets upset.

[lizard roaring]

The lizard swings his tail at the raft, sending them flying off down a gorge and the lizard gets rammed down hill and end up into the trees.

Act Fourteen

Back with Beth, she travels through the jungle looking for the lizard. So far, she finds nothing. Then, she bumps into a Spinosaurus, who's chewing on a femur.

Beth: Oopse.

Anxious to eat her, the Spinosaurus spits out the bone and chases after her.

[Spinosaurus roars]

The dinosaur chases her into the clearing she trips over a log. Beth tries to get up, but the hungry dinosaur is getting closer with opened jaws.

Beth: [screaming]

Suddenly, the lizard shoves it away, rescuing Beth. The lizard roars at the Spinosaurus aggressively, while the dinosaur gives a loud bellow in return. At first, the lizard carries out a heavy assault on Spinosaurus, and the two great beasts engage in a ferocious battle. Though the lizard initially dominates the fight, he is eventually brought to the ground by the Spinosaurus' strength. The dinosaur almost delivers the killing blow before it is then attacked by Beth by throwing a rock at it's eye.

Beth: Leave him alone, you big bully.

Given attention to Beth, it charges to bite her at last. However, the lizard returns to his feet and grabs the Spinosaurus by the neck, pushing in into many rocks. Finally, it's flung to the edge of the nearby lagoon where a Mosasaurus there detects the dinosaur and proceeds to pull it under the water to it's death. Then the lizard gives out a defeaning roar.

With the battle over, Beth comes over to see if he's alright. The lizard turns back to the girl who helped him and picks her up to make eye contact. Feeling generous about her "protector", she puts a gentle hand on his snout and smiles. The lizard licks her on the face for feeling appreciated. Then he proceeds through the jungle to somewhere else. As she looks up at the giant lizard, the tension seems to go out of her body, she relaxes into his hand. For the first time since coming to Necrosis, she feels safe.

Act Fifteen

Back in the gorge, Anthony gets up from laying on the dirt. He immediately hears the scuttle of reptiles. He sees huge snakes coming out from holes. He staggers to his feet… reaching into his pack and pulls from it a flare. He throws it at the snake and they slither away. Then Ian and Stag regain their bearings. The other men, such as Kowalski, lie dead from that fall.

Ian: Damn. That really hurt.

Albert: A fall like that shouldn't have killed us. Lucky for us, we landed on this dirt.

Ian peered over a rock and saw something shocking. The wreckage of the camera lies smashed and broken on the chasm floor.

Ian: No. NO!

Ian reaches out and touches the wrecked machine… his chance for a YouTube video destroyed.

The flare dies out and the giant serpents slither back out. They see that they're surrounded by snakes. Anthony desperately swings at the reptiles with a stick, whacking and stabbing them. But all of a sudden, BAM! BAM! BAM! Gunshots ring out. Snakes slither out of holes in the gorge and die. The survived men spin around, confused.

Skipper and a couple of sailors open fire from the lip of the gorge, shooting the snakes into smithereens!

Skipper: Don't move! Stay away from the walls!

Keith: Coming through!

Keith, surprisingly alive, swings down from above, clinging to a vine shooting as well. With the snakes dead, the survivors proceed to climb up the gorge and rendezvous with their rescuers.

Anthony: Thank God.

Skipper: Don't thank God. Thank Mr. Leak. He insisted on a rescue mission.

Ian: Keith? Dude, you died from that fall.

Keith: That's what I thought. But I landed into a tree… and on my head. So I came back to ask Skipper for help.

Skipper: That's the thing about cockroaches. No matter how many times you flush them down the toilet… they always crawl back up the bowl.

Albert: Hey, Skipper? I'm out of the bowl. I'm drying off my wings and trekking across the lid.

However, the men see Anthony climbing to the other end of the gorge.

Skipper: Padilla! Don't be a fool!

Anthony: I'll be fine, you guys. I'll be back with Beth.

Anthony takes his leave into the trees and find the lizard so he can rescue Beth from him. Ian just stands up and looking down for the loss of his camera.

Skipper: What seems to be the problem?

Ian: My camera. It's busted. Everything I recorded was in that piece of shit.

But Stag, however, smirks away like he has a brilliant plan of some sort.

Albert: Who needs YouTube… when you can see it up close?

Ian: What do you mean?

Albert: Anthony's going bring the girl back… and the beast will be hard on his heels. We can still come out of this thing okay…. More than okay…. Think about it. We still have the Gas Bags aboard the ship.

Skipper: You mean… trapping the lizard?

Skipper looks at Stag for a beat and then laughs.

Albert: Why call it "lizard"? Why not giving it a more… suitable name. Cause I was thinking of…. Kaiser.

Ian: [confused] Kaiser?

Skipper: It's German for "emperor". And I don't think that's a good idea.

Albert: Isn't that what you do, Skipper? Live animal capture? I heard you were the best.

Skipper stares at Stag for a moment, it is impossible to know what he is thinking. But Ian thinks that's a brilliant idea. Instead of filming "Kaiser" to be posted on YouTube, he can BRING him to the mainland.

Ian: I like it, man. I'd say we do it.

Skipper: Well…. If only we can, the Gas Bags are prototypes. We haven't tested them yet.

Albert: Well, now isn't the good time for objections.

Ian and Skipper decide to leave for the beach. However, Stag stays to take out a walkie-talkie to contact someone.

Albert: Sergeant. Get me our forces. I'll send you the coordinates.

In the think jungle, Anthony struggles through the trees. He breaks into a clearing and stops short as he sees the vast vista of a 1000 foot high mountain in front of him. He thinks Kaiser is up there with Beth.

Act Sixteen

At dusk, in the same mountain Anthony discovered, Kaiser climbs up it with Beth still in his hands. Once they reach the lair, Kaiser sets her down on the floor. From up there, she can see an amazing view. There's sauropod heads up above the trees and grazing the trees.

Beth: Wow.

She then hears the dinosaurs bellowing, as if they're singing. Kaiser steps beside Beth and roars loudly at the dinosaurs. They reply with more bellowing. Beth can see that he's communicating. Kaiser and Beth look at each other; Beth falls over as he attempts to look at Kaiser upside down. He lays down on the floor, where he can

She gets up and finds big bones on most parts of the lair. They're all skeletons of Kaiser's own kind. The big lizard watches her looking at the bones and he drops his head. It looks to her like the Kaiser's... the last of his kind. This makes her feel even more sorry. She comes over to sit on Kaiser's forearm and rub him on the shoulder. Kaiser looks at her and he licks her again. The two of them watch the sunset like a happy couple.

Back with Anthony, he finally reaches the top of the mountain; out of breath, but pleased with himself. His joy is cut short when he sees the entrance to the lair looks completely dark. He ventures through it and finds nothing. After 25 steps into the cave, he finally sees Kaiser; asleep. But he sees Beth wide awake. Anthony tip toes to her so he wouldn't make a sound.

Anthony: [whispers] Beth.

Beth turns tail and discovers Anthony.

Beth: [whispers] Anthony, wait there. I'll come to you.

Beth tip toes without making a sound to wake up Kaiser and omes to Anthony.

Beth: You came back for me. Thank you.

Anthony: Now let's go before he wakes up.

Suddenly, Kaiser wakes up and sees the intruder taking Beth away.

[Kaiser roars]

Kaiser chases them across the lair until Anthony and Beth have reached the edge. The colossal reptile closes in but the humans jump and dive a thousand feet into deep water. They both surface and find a floating log right beside them. They get on before the log floats away down the river.

Beth: You…. You came to get me?

Anthony: Don't mentioned it. I'm just glad to save you from that lizard.

Beth: Save me? From him? I didn't need to, Anthony. He's just a big softy.

Anthony: You were kidnapped?

Beth: He was curious about me, that's all.

Anthony is starting to think it's like the King Kong movie made by Peter Jackson. When the woman was protected by Kong from dinosaurs, she felt safe with him. Anthony starts getting the picture. Then, Kaiser arrives at the slopes of the mountain chasing after them in hot pursuit. But it's too late when the log floats into a tunnel.

[Kaiser roaring]

Act Seventeen

After a while, back on the beach where Food-Battle is docked, Anthony and Beth make it through the jungle and made it to the others. Ian stands by a boulder, watching them coming back.

Ian: Beth. You made it. Now, step back, you guys.

Anthony: What are you-

Kaiser smashes through the trees. For a brief moment, Kaiser makes eye contact with Beth and she looks at him despairingly. He reaches towards her, but then soldiers appear out of nowhere and throw grappling hooks at him, hauling on the ropes. A few soildiers are shooting at the struggling beast.

Ian: Hey! Don't shoot him! I need him alive!

Beth: No!

The soldiers have a label on their uniforms that says "Co-Run". Stag shows up, waering a Co-Run uniform, with Skipper gripping onto Gas Bags at his side.

Skipper hurls the Gas Bag bottle at the beast, smashing it on the ground right under his face. Kaiser breathes in the cloud, but he tries to push himself up. Beth tries to save Kaiser, but Ian and Anthony pulls her back.

Anthony: Beth, stand back!

Beth: No! It's me he wants! Let go off me!

Stag steadies himself on a rock as Kaiser keeps struglling. He hurls a Gas Bag bottle and it smashes against Kaiser's face. Kaiser starts choking on the gas. He starts to succumb to the gas and reaches for Beth. She watches Kaiser hand reach out to her…. But she can no longer help him. She has failed to stop this happening. Beth turns away from Kaiser as he slumps into unconsciousness.

Beth and Anthony make eye contact. She starts to cry. Anthony is unable to offer her any comfort. However, Ian steps to the unconscious Kasier.

Ian: The whole world will pay to see this. [to the crew] We're millionaires, boys! I'll share it with all of ya! When we get back, his name will be up in lights in San Francisco Zoo! "Kaiser - the Eighth Wonder of the World"!

Act Eighteen

A few weeks later, neon letters announce "Kaiser - the Eighth Wonder of the World!" on a huge glittering marquee at San Francisco Zoo at night time. An excited and curious are converging on the zoo. Cabs are pulling up, a queue is forming and scalpers are selling tickets outside the gate.

In a dressing tent, Ian and Anthony are getting ready fo this spectacular moment to present their captive. However, with Ian so excited, Anthony looks down about something.

Ian: What's wrong, man? You usually wanted to be broadcasted on TV. There's going to be TV reporters and shit.

Anthony: I know. But I think you're jumping the gun. Don't you think we're going too far?

Ian: No.

Anthony: Well, remember King Kong? He escapes and attacks until… the army shoots him down.

Ian: Dude! I'm very much aware of that. Yesterday I did a research on gorillas and moniter lizards. Moniter lizards are less intelligent than gorillas. He won't escape.

Then a Canadian man arrives into the tent.

Canadian: One minute, eh.

Anthony: Yeah, give me time. I still meed to put on breath mint.

Canadian: Okay. And what aboot you, eh.

Ian: What?

Canadian: Yeah! What aboot you, eh.

Ian: Uh no; no boots.

Canadian: I didn't ask aboot boots, I asked what aboot you, eh.

Ian: Boot?

Canadian: Yeah, aboot!

Ian: What about boots?

Canadian: What aboot you. Aboot, aboot.

Ian: Why are so obsessed with boots?!

Anthony: Ian, that's our que!

The auditorium is filled with nearly 2000 people. The excitement in the air is palbable. Even Stag is at the audience to see the show. The large crowd applauds as Ian and Anthony strides onto the stage in the glare of the single spotlight. They wave enthusiastically to the audience, basking in the acclaim they have wanted for so long.

Ian: Thank you all for coming. Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to tell you a very strange story. A story of our adventure in which seventeen of our party suffered horrible deaths!

Anthony: Their lives lost in pursuit of a savage beast, a monstrous aberration of nature! But even the meanest brute can be tamed. Besides, the beast was no match… for the charms of a girl.

Ian: And now ladies and gentlemen, we're going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king in the world he knew but he comes to you now… a captive!

Ian & Anthony: We give you Kaiser - the Eighth Wonder of the World!

The curtain slowly rises and the lights flicker to reveal: Kaiser sitting slumped and unresponsive, his neck manacled to a steel scaffold. There is a big gasp from the audience. Kaiser's sheer size is overwhelming.

Ian: No need to be alarmed. This dude is perfectly safe.

Anthony: Yeah, that's right. These chains are made of stainless steel.

The photographer are taking pictures of Kaiser with flash. The light is irritating him so much, he can't stand it. He struggles to break free from the collar. Anthony starts to get a little worried.

Anthony: Ian. I think we need to-

Ian: Let him roar. It makes an epic picture.

Ian ignores Kaiser struggling to break free, which is worrying the audience. However, Stag looks pleased to see it.

Albert: The king awakes. Now the real fun begins.

Stag leaves the audience. Just then, Kaiser breaks free from his captivity. He roars furiously and the audience panics and runs away. Ian, awestruck, stands on the stage and watches as Kaiser goes on a rampage through the zoo. Anthony comes dramatically to Ian's side.

Anthony: Now you're John Hammond.

Kaiser smashes his head through the main gate where he can see San Francisco from where he is.

[Kaiser roaring]

Act Nineteen

At one end of the city, Beth is at a burger joint where she's having a hone call with her mother.

Beth: I'm okay, mom. Really. I'm still thinking about moving back home. I just need some time. Yeah, I love you too. Bye.

She hangs up the phone, but the TV plays the news that's shocking to her.

Announcer: Breaking news at this hour. Smosh's prized beast, Kaiser, has escaped the San Francisco Zoo and causing havoc throughout town. The police tries to recapture it, but no sucess. Albert Stag, one of the commanders of Co-Run, has agreed to terminate the monster for good before any more harm would come.

That shocks Beth. Stag is going to hunt down her friend. She runs to give the cashier some money and out the door to try and help Kaiser.

Back with Kaiser, feeling lost and furious, he wanders through the city streets terrorizing whatever he sees. People in cars or on sidewalks panic and scream as the beast wreaks havoc. He sees a traffic light shining a green light at him and he agressively bites it off from the pole. He then sees a city bus driving away.

[Kaiser roars]

Kaiser charges and headbutts the bus at it's rear end. The bus ends up into a shopping mall.

Heading to the attack is Ian and Anthony driving their car to do something.

Anthony: It's our fault and we're going to get him out of here.

Ian: I'm sorry, man. I should've ignored Stag when I had the chance.

Anthony: Stag? What about him?

Ian: He's the one who said I should capture Kaiser for money.

Anthony: I don't blaim you. He probably wanted this to happen since the search party. To capture him, let him cause havoc and hunt him down. He and his men are on their way for the hunt. They're gonna think he's a hero.

Ian: [frustrated] Really? I'll teach him about using me!

They find Kaiser still causing havoc. Anthony honks on the horn to alert the beast. Kaiser sees the car and scowls at Anthony.

Ian: He's scowling at you. You pissed him off or something?

Anthony: Let's just say… I took his date.

Ian: What?

Kaiser roars as he charges for the car, but Anthony drives away to lead him out of town. The lizard rams through an abandoned school bus, in hot pursuit to kill Anthony.

Ian: He's ganging on us! You know where to go?

Anthony: Yeah. He need to get him to the docks where we can send him back to Necrosis.

Ian: Would Stag suspect that to happen?

Anthony: Oh God, I hope not.

Kaiser chases them down the streets until they're at the highway which leads to the Golden Gate Bridge. Kaiser jumps high over the car and smashes the hood with his tail. Now that their car's done for, the duo sits helplessly as the beast scowls at them both. They embrace themselves with fear and scream to the point where hair grows from their heads and starts wiggling.

Ian: Anthony! If this is our last time on Earth, I'd want to say something! I'm sorry about dragging you into this mess! And I could never have a better friend than you!

Anthony: Ian, I used your electric guitar to unclog the toilet!

Kaiser raises his hand to slash them both for good.

Beth's voice: Stop!

Kaiser suddenly freezes. He inclines his head; unsure if what he is seeing is real. He sees Beth running towards him. Kaiser tentatively inches towards her. The duo stops being scared to see what's going on. Beth and Kaiser stare at each other for a long moment. Beth offers Kaiser a small smile, and reaches her hand out hesitantly towards his arm.

Beth: You're just lost, aren't you?

Kaiser gently picks her up… his eyes never leaving her face. Anthony and Ian can finally see that those two are friends… or maybe more.

Act Twenty

Suddenly, bullets down on Kaiser and Beth. Kaiser rears back in fright. A military truck with the Co-Run label launches rockets at him.

Commander: Fire!

Another fire comes from the vehile. Roaring with anger, Kaiser struggles and flees with Beth still in his hand. Kaiser bounds out into the streets, swaying to avoid the bullet fire, angrily smashing cars out the way. Kaiser runs to the the bridge to escape. But a couple of helicopters fire grappling hooks and tangle him up. Kaiser struggles to break free. A few Co-Run troopers come to the beast and form a circle around it. A few men fire tazer guns at Kaiser's hand to force Beth ot of his hand and they grab her away from Kaiser. The choppers fire miniguns at Kaiser and he tries to resist it.

Beth: No! Stop it!

Then Stag comes to the crowd to get a closer look at Kaiser with a gun of unknown type. He aims it at the beast with a smirk on his face.

Albert: One good hit, and I'm the hero.

But then, Ian shoves Stag off, making him fire a green laser ball up to one of the bridge's cables and having it hit one of the helicopters tangling up Kaiser. Stag regains his bearings and punches Ian away.

Albert: You dare ruin my chance to do something heroic?

Ian: Are you kidding? This is whole shit happened because of you!

Some Co-Run troopers grab hold onto Ian so Stag can reload his gun, until Beth comes over and tries to steal the gun away.

Beth: Leave him alone!

Annoyed with her, he slaps her on the face to shove her away. Kaiser looks shocked to see that happening to her. With his fury raging on, he untangles himself from the grappling hooks and charge to Stag. Stag fires his gun at the chest, but Kaiser chops on him to death as he ends up at the edge on the bridge. Beth regains her bearings and watches as her friend kneeling in pain. She runs to him to put her hand on his face.

Beth: [crying] Please. Please don't leave me.

Kaiser, now barely clinging, gently picks up Beth and stares at her one last time. He places her gently down on the ground. He looks at her with tenderness and love. The light in Kaiser's eyes slowly fades and goes out. Kaiser topples back… disappearing from sight. Beth puts her hands to her mouth. She can't believe this has happened.

Kaiser plummets away towards the water far below. Beth moves towards the edge of the bridge and stares down overcome by a sense of utter despair. She begins to cry. Anthony takes pity and comes to her.

Anthony: Beth. I'm…. I'm sorry.

Slowly, Beth turns and faces him, her grief still trapped inside her, Anthony can see in her eyes how close he is to losing her. Beth stares at him a beat, tears begin to spill from her eyes. Slowly she rises to her feet and walks hesitantly towards him. Anthony gently embraces her. She wraps her arms around him. They kept holding each other as dawn light washes over them.

At the shores, a helicopter hoists Kaiser's dead body and places it on shore. Crowds are gathering to stare at Kaiser lying there. A swarm of journalists converge on the beast and the police officers are backing the people.

Policeman: Move along, folks. Show's over.

Photographer 1: Why did he do that? He cross the bridge and get himself trapped? The lizard musta known what was comin'.

Photographer 2: It's just a dumb animal - it didn't know nuthin'!

Ian, pushing through the crowd, stares at Kaiser, dread, realization dawning on his face.

Photographer 2: What does it matter? The military's got him.

Ian: It wasn't the military…

The photographers stare at Ian… expectant.

Ian: …it was beauty killed the beast.

Ian turns and slowly walks away from the corpse. Then Anthony comes over to put his hand on his shoulder.

Ian: Yeah?

Anthony: Listen, man. I want to say… I'm sorry about breaking up. I mean, with us as BFFs.

Ian: It's okay, man. I'm sorry again to about dragging out to sea, following a crappy map. It's just… I wanted us to have some time off.

Anthony: [surprised] What?

Ian: Yeah, man. We've been working on YouTube for Smosh since 2006, uploaded videos every Friday and never had some time off for a few days.

Anthony: Well… why didn't you say so?

Ian: Cause, then, the H.E. would fire us for slacking off. That's why.

Anthony takes a few seconds to think, realizing he has a good point.

Ian: So…. BFFs?

Anthony: BFFs.

And so the two of them are on there way to someplace else and sticks together for good.

The End


End file.
